First, I am sorry that you have been hurt by church leadership. Although I don’t know your exact situation or scenario, I DO know how it feels to have been hurt by people in the church and people in church leadership.

Be encouraged that there are some practical things you can do to heal your hurt and move past what has happened to you.

How To Heal Church Hurt

Feel The Feels

Allow yourself to feel every emotion you are feeling. Don’t push them down or tell yourself you shouldn’t feel how you feel. You are HURT, you have been wronged, and that is painful! Do whatever (so long as it’s not sinning) that you need to do to get your feelings out.

For me, I like to listen to music that expresses a certain emotion or write poetry about how I am feeling.

You must give yourself space to express your feelings. Remember that even Jesus was angry and even Jesus cried.

You are human, and emotions are good. If you need to go on a drive and cry and scream, do it.

Pray

Now that you have given yourself space to grieve or be angry, it is time to pray. My encouragement to you is, that as you pray, you express to God how you are feeling. I believe God loves when we come to him vulnerable and open with our true feelings. I’ve seen God move in my life in mighty ways when I have been most vulnerable and open with him.

He already knows how you feel anyway, so speak to him like he is your good Father who catches every tear.

And now pray for wisdom, pray for discernment, and pray that the truth would be brought to light—in God’s timing.

So often in our human nature, we want vengeance or payback to happen in the here and now. But God is SO much bigger than what our human eyes can see.

And I know it’s hard, but you can trust Him.

Here are a few scriptures to help you pray through church hurt.

There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight, and what you have whispered in the ear in the inner rooms will be proclaimed from the roofs.

Luke 12:2-3

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

James 1:5

I am your servant; give me discernment that I may understand your statutes.

Psalm 119:25

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.

Psalm 56:8

Seek Counsel/A friend

Sometimes, you just need to vent. Sometimes, you just need to let it all out to someone you love and trust.

HOWEVER—be very, very careful and wise in whom you trust with church-hurt information. At the end of the day, the church is full of humans. People who are not perfect, people who will fall short, and ultimately people who may (intentionally or not) hurt you. You do not want to go around gossiping and telling everyone what happened to you.

There may be a part or side to even your story that you don’t see. The enemy loves to spread gossip and dissension in the church.

Please, please don’t spread what happened to a friend in that church. Be very cautious as to whom you tell–I cannot stress this enough.

You might even consider writing a “letter” to a friend about what happened, and then never giving the letter to anyone.

If you see a therapist or a counselor, this would be a good person to tell.

Use extreme wisdom and caution.

He who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets, therefore do not associate with a gossip.

Proverbs 20:19

A wise man will hear, and will increase learning; and a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels.

Proverbs 19:20-21

Focus on Forgiveness

You knew it was coming…yes, I am advising you to forgive. And while you may not be ready for this step in your healing from church hurt journey, this will be key for you. Forgiveness.

Let me remind you what the Bible says about forgiveness.

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. 

Matthew 18:21-22

You might have to pray and ask God to help you forgive. Trust that He will. God wouldn’t ask us to do something that we are incapable of doing. He will give you the strength and grace you need to forgive that person in church leadership who has hurt you.

Forgiving doesn’t mean that you forget, it just means you choose to forgive them just as God has forgiven you. It’s humbling, and hard, and goes against everything our flesh desires.

But it is Biblical, and we are asked to forgive.

You might even have to “fake it til you make it.” You might have to speak out loud, that you DO forgive that person who hurt you. Even if you don’t feel it. Remain steadfast, forgiving others just as your Father in heaven has forgiven you.

This step will take time, but don’t brush past it. Forgive them.

What were Jesus’s words on the cross? To the people who were quite literally killing him?

“Forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

Recognize the Hand of the Enemy

Church hurt has the enemy’s hand written all over it. He LOVES IT. He THRIVES off of it. He loves when you tell everyone in your church what happened.

The enemy loves to divide. He especially loves to divide the church body.

He laughs when God’s people start to point fingers at each other and blame each other. He thought he was victorious the day Jesus was dead, but we know the rest of the story—Christ rose up. Love was victorious–and that love was Jesus of Nazareth.

You have a choice to make. It’s plain and simple.

Chose to let the enemy win.

Or chose to be victorious.

When you start to feel the pain, the hurt, imagine what the enemy is thinking. He is thinking “Yes! I got them!”

No. You are going to rise. You are going to be a warrior for Christ. You are going to hold your head up high, and show the enemy that his slimy head can go BACK to the pit of Hell and that you will not let his plans prevail. Your life and your ministry will not be halted because of the schemes of the evil one.

You win. Jesus wins. Evil and pain—game over.

I don’t know what this looks like for you. But deep down, I pray the Holy Spirit reveals it to you. I pray he reveals to you the next step you need to take for today, for tomorrow. I pray you can trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge him, and let him direct your path.

Give Yourself Time

Healing from church hurt (especially from leadership), will take time. This will not be an overnight process. I would recommend you stay on step one (feel the feels) for quite some time. Don’t rush the process, but at the same time remain steadfast and cautious.

It’s interesting because as I write this, I am reminded of many different times in my life when I have been hurt by church leadership. I realize maybe, just maybe I haven’t fully forgiven the people that God is nudging me to forgive. I might have allowed time and space in between me and the hurt, but deep down there is unforgiveness in my heart.

And so I pray…

Heavenly Father, thank you for forgiving me of my sins. I have sinned against you and you alone. Please help me to forgive those in your church or church leadership who have hurt me. Help me to put this in your hands, and give me the healing that I need. Help me to withstand the schemes and darts of the enemy. It’s in your son, Jesus Christ, name I pray, amen.

*disclaimer* this post was written when it comes to church hurt in ways that are NOT illegal or any form abuse– if you are being harmed in any way, please seek immediate help.